𝔸 𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕆𝕟𝕖 𝕎𝕚𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟.

Some grudges are better to be sorted out with time, and many are meant to be harboured internally and reflected back upon when the time permits. – Aj 

I am at the point of my life where, until and unless I want you to make me feel something, I will feel nothing regarding the situation or the person I am talking to or having a conversation with, to be really honest. Because I simply don’t care about you or your life. I am fighting my own battles, losing and winning them by myself. It feels like everyone else is just side characters and life is a play. I will be happy for you if you are doing something good, and if you are a close one, I might stop you from doing something stupid or something depleting, but internally I don’t care until and unless I want to care. I feel like I am becoming an actor who is acting just to exist and to be non-judgmental about the things that are going on around me—just because I don’t care. I have been experiencing things that are completely in contradiction with my core principles just because I wanted to, and I have been doing the stupidest things just to pretend about the stupidity, just because I want stupid people around (no hard feelings for anyone; this is totally metaphorical). I am in a totally different mindspace these days, challenging my own beliefs, my own value system, my own personal and professional identity: just to experiment and observe human behaviour  to understand the variance in people’s emotional states. I feel like I can read most of them like a book: the patterns in one’s personality, the habits, and the transition from one emotional state to another and from time to time I have to remind myself that, Arman, you are physically existing in this world as well; welcome back to the present and react according to the place you are at in this very moment. Be stupid if you have to, be intellectually weaponized if you have to, or "just be" do nothing "just be". I hate reading the room all the time, but I guess I don’t want to change this about myself as of right now. Been through a lot, was down, will be down, but one thing that I am consistently lethal at is skipping arenas in any area of this life just because I WANT TO.

In the midst of a cognitive metamorphosis: testing how much emotion, belief, and connection I can strip away before what’s left finally feels like me.